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i iz depressed. but only when im not with you.

tonight, once again, i followed my instincts. i'm not proud of what i did to get the answers i wanted, and even then, the answers weren't conclusive. only vague. only second-guessing.

minsan tuloy, i feel like its better to just die than to feel this pain, the repercussions, the weekly hauntings. kaya lang hindi tama eh. kaya tuloy nauuwi ako sa pagpo-post ng mga emo entries tulad nito, after not posting anything for months. 

must it always be this hard?

new typhoon, alert! alert!

 so they say a hurricane of Ondoy proportions is coming to town.

i lie awake in a room with tall windows, that for some lazy ass reason is bare and without curtains, leaving me to see the night sky in all its intimidating glory. i watched it turn pinkish red, looming over us with them fat  cotton clouds soaking up rain water, ready to unleash within the next few hours. i felt panic creep over me, with images of floating cars and muddy water and the voices of frantic human beings came to mind.  but now i breathe a little bit easier, seeing the sky turn darker. this may very well be the calm before the storm, but i rest easy tonight. tomorrow, the tall windows will reveal the truth anyway.

tiny dancer.

 i haven't written about you. not on paper, not online, not here.

and in a weird, twisted way, that must mean something. that either i care less, or that i care too much. that maybe, just maybe, you are setting me up for the biggest and greatest fall of my life OR the biggest and greatest surprise life has set for me. 

i wish for the latter, but it's out of my hands.

hongkong

 The first time I went to Hong Kong was the summer right after Grade 7. I had sprouted up from being the third smallest in class to being a 5'3" almost freshman. Awkward times, really. Too unfortunate that the pictures we took when we went there are kept hidden, largely owing to the fact that I had abysmal tweener fashion sense. I walked around with a Warner Bros. t-shirt, ill-fitting denims, and those sporty strappy sandals--take note, with socks, kahit open naman! 

So now, 13 years later (WHAT THE F*CK THAT WAS 13 YEARS AGO?!), I booked my flight to Hong Kong for the four brief days of freedom from work. This would be my first time travelling during Holy Week, a fact I'm sure my parents will strongly disapprove of once I tell them of my plans. Will be satiating my wanderlust with work pals Stann and Dexter, so hopefully walang pasaway. :p

I just don't know if there any news places I should go to. Already been to the usual--Victoria's Peak, those buddha statues where you can take your picture and someone will superimpose the image onto a plate, the gold jewelry factory. So any tips would be most welcome, but of course, Disneyland is definitely one of my stops. 

Kinikilig naman ako sa excitement!

pangs

Since no one seems to wanna hear this out, I now feel like I have no other recourse but to write about this. A few months ago, I started making plans, and have been trying to be optimistic about them. But on the exact day of my birthday, I got a very solid rejection regarding said plans, and am now at a loss as to how to proceed. 

Basically, I have been looking forward to being with him again, as it is now my turn to foray into a foreign land, risking everything and taking on a very exciting adventure, hand in hand with him. But obviously, this is a setback if I have ever seen one, and I am having trouble dealing with it. Do I remain optimistic or do I succumb to this depressing fact that it might be months before I get to even hold his hand again?

This sucks. More than anything else, it sucks to be in love with someone who is so far away, that even voices and words and images can't quite make up for what's really lacking. 

A Proper Farewell To 2009.

Since it has become customary for a couple of years now to do some sort of year-end review, here's mine for the weird, rollercoaster ride that has been 2009.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
*Going to the gym--hooray Planet Infinity! All my life, I had this immense fear of dancing in public, but for some reason, those street dance classes are the only main reasons why i still go anyway. I also started going out to clubs more often than I ever did. First time to date a non-Filipino man. :p

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
* I don't do well with predetermined tasks.Case in point: last year's resolutions: "be more active and proactive. diligently keep a written journal. Be less moody, be more social." Out of all that, I think I was only more social.

But if I were to set a goal, it wouldn't just be for 2010. It has to be for good. I want to take matters into my own hands more, and prune away the things that just make me go insane and stick to the ones that make me happy.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
*I don't think any girl friends gave birth this year, but recently my friend Trix was blessed with a daughter! Congrats!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
*Unfortunately we weren't that close, but I do consider him a big loss. RIP, Joax.

5. What countries did you visit?
*Thailand, Singapore. Yey!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
*More self-worth, more opportunities! More reasons to be thankful. More love in my life. :)

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
* September 26. The day we collectively wished for an Ark to save all those floundering for their lives.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
* GULP. I can't recall any major achievement for this year. Huhu :( if you can remind me, that would be tops.

9. What was your biggest failure?
*Not being there for my family when they needed me the most.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
*Injury, nope. Unfortunately, I've had my fair share of sick days this year. Blech. My intestines are out to get me.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
*Hands down, my baby Channing. Unfortunately we have a love-hate relationship now, but it's all good. I think my car's been sending out cries for help these days. haha

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
*The wonderful staff & hosts of House Life. I listed them down last year too, and I still maintain that this group will always have a special place in my heart, despite sadly meeting its end this year. I hope for nothing but more great things for each one in that awesome, awesome team.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
*Depressed: certain people I counted on who weren't there at a time of need, but all that's good now. Also some people who managed to shatter some of my beliefs and my trust.
Appalled: stupid local warlords who think they can kill innocent people and get away with it. stupid government officials who would rather hoard donations meant for calamity victims.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, clothes,anything and everything related to pleasure & leisure.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
*Well, not to get all cheesy, but I welcomed this new person in my life and spent most of my nights and days speaking to him online. Fastforward to a month later and he got on a plane to visit. The feeling of anticipation, of finally getting to give him the tightest hug that I could manage, was the one thing that got me really excited this year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier :)
ii. thinner or fatter? well, thinner than I was last year.
iii. richer or poorer? Blessed :)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
*Driving around my beloved University with the windows wide open. Had family dinners. Made moments last.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
*Curse, smoke, drink. (sorry TC, but my liver, my intestines!)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
*Can I revise this? It's over na eh. Well for Christmas the family was complete, the sisters who work in Dubai and Canada went home. We checked into Edsa Shangri-La and I spent most of the time sleeping. Then, ReyPen Fourgy2010!

On New Year's I will be at home on the stroke of midnight, giving my family a hug and a kiss, getting a virtual hug and kiss, looking wistfully at the fireworks, and then *hopefully* going out with friends afterwards.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
*Yes, I did. :)

22. How many one-night stands?
*Zero. Nada. Zilch. I don't think I can ever manage to do that.

23. What was the most embarassing thing that happened to you in 2009?
*I think I embarrassed myself almost everyday with my apparently too emotional posts on facebook. so i've heard. :p

24. What was your favorite TV program?
*Saturday Night Live. Although I have to admit, the elections made for a better season than the current one, but I still love that show no matter what :)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
*I used to think 'hate' was such a strong word, but I have to admit, I do hate one person in particular. With much fervor.

26. What was the best book you read?
*I don't know if it's the best, but the last book I read and managed to finish was David Sedaris' "When You Are Engulfed In Flames". I have a long list of books waiting to be read.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
*Mew's "The Zookeeper's Boy" (thanks Emman) and Owl City. Mostly, I have to thank Sundown Rundown, Scotty and Hillary for always giving me stuff to update my playlist with :)

28. What did you want and got?
*Sometime during the middle of the year, after going through a break-up, I watched a bit of The Secret and asked myself what sort of things I want to happen in my life immediately. I said I wanted to buy a Honda Jazz. I did it, not without my parent's help, but I did nonetheless. I said I wanna challenge myself, and date outside my social circle. I did that, and am still doing that. And as much as I know eyebrows will raise because of this, I am actually happy. :)

29. What did you want and not get?
*Honestly, I cant think of anything. I guess I recently wanted a white christmas, but that wasn't meant for me this year, i guess.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
*I liked 500 Days Of Summer. Shallow, but I also liked The Proposal. I have yet to see Avatar.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
*I turned 25. So now I'm past the so-called quarter life, and I am ready to relieve myself of that so-called crisis! haha!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
*More travel. I want to see more of what this big, bad world has in store for a girl from the Philippines.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
*I think I gradually graduated from my thrift-store fashion sense. I slowly had to let go of that college girl look (sniff), let go of my flip flops, and said hello to looking a bit more respectable...on my good days :p But I will always pledge allegiance to my faithful wife-beaters, denim jeans, and flip flops.

34. What kept you sane?
*My nephew. My beautiful and fabulous friends. Kuya Jess, who still (thankfully) refuses to give up on me.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
*Ryan Reynolds.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
*The lack of proper disaster relief coordination by certain government units during Ondoy. The Maguindanao massacre. Our president deciding to run for congress. Fishyyyy.

37. Who did you miss?
*First and foremost, my sisters. There were times when I think I already got used to them not being here, but then they come to visit and you realize just how much you miss out on, how much you lack.
Secondly, I don't even have to say it. The distance makes me miss him every day.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
*Wow OA na to ha :p Shaun Harris. I know he may rub some people off the wrong way, including me sometimes (haha) but I have no qualms in saying that through all the peaks and valleys, despite the initial major road bumps, I am actually very happy that I met him. And that we're still around for each other. Kaya sana lahat ng nagmamahal at nagmamalasakit sa akin, makita niyo yun. Hindi siya madaling magustuhan, alam ko. Pero gusto ko siya. Yun lang.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
*Oh my goodness. Thanks to Typhoon Ondoy, I learned that no matter how cheesy this is, there really is a rainbow after the rain. I learned that sometimes the worst situations can really bring out the best in even the 'worst' people. I learned not to underestimate my parents, I learned of their strength, of their courage, of their love and forgiveness. I learned that even though I get my heart broken twice in one year, God will always fill the void, and He will patch things up and heal me in His own way.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"I'm the first to know
My dearest friends
Even if your hope has burned with time
Anything that is dead shall be re-grown
And your vicious pain, your warning sign
You will be fine

Hey oh here I am
And here we go
Life’s waiting to begin"

- "The Adventure", Angels and Airwaves

pak!man.

Yes, of course I'm happy Manny Pacquiao won his latest title fight against Cotto. If for no other reason than it brings the Filipinos all over the world a day of elation, of solidarity, and nationalistic pride. But frankly, I didn't really care if he won yesterday, because I am slightly pissed one of my shows didn't air on saturday to give way to his HBO special, which meant everyone wouldn't get paid for this week's supposed episode. So yes, I am biased.

And on this latest bit of gossip hounding him (yet again), of course no one is supportive of adultery, but I just find it weird that some people are willing to let it slide because it's Manny. So what if it's Manny?! That is just a great write-off to the sensible women all over the world.

I think we should learn how to separate our admiration for him as a Pinoy boxer and him as a man. As a Pinoy boxer, whether he wins or loses, he's a national icon worthy of our admiration. As a philandering husband and man, not so much.

eirik

it is a peculiar thing, having your palm read. it's not so much the same as having your future foretold, but rather a way for someone else to tell you how you are perceived, the kind of life you lead/wish to lead, and basically, things that have been nagging at the tips of your brain cells waiting to be acknowledged. 

the minute i laid my palm out in front of eirik, i knew for a fact that i was in for a large dose of the ugly truth. i don't know how he does it, or how much of it is "real", but the fact of the matter is, i didn't quite like what i heard. not because it was all negative or whatnot; its just because he was telling me things i kinda already knew, but i couldn't really bring myself to stand up for. 

and the troubling part is, i know the things he said will be in my head for years to come, until i finally snap out of it or what he said comes true (whichever comes first).

now, i have to get the wheels going, and whatever happens next, is up to Fate.

the seed of insomnia

 ever since this relationship was borne out of late night talks and catch-me-if-you-can occurrences, i always had something to look forward to: actually catching you, or finding you waiting for me, and the long conversations we would have until the wee hours of the morning that sometimes even stretch into noon the next day. willingly or unwillingly, i have let these moments become the highlight of my day, the thing that urges me to rush home after work, or to keep checking the avenues we have carved for each other in order to stay in touch. 

i knew long distance relationships take work, but i never really realized the fight that goes into it. the fight to stay sane, to stay positive, to stay excited, to keep longing. the fight to keep you, to keep myself, to keep going without any assurance or any set date of when i get to see/hold/be with you again. 

and now, with this pattern that i observe with due diligence, like a prompt schoolgirl who's never late for class, waiting for you and not knowing when you will be there is gut-wrenching. before, whenever i ran out of things to do to pass the time, i simply turn the computer off and find something useful to do. now, i stay on in the hopes that i will find your name there, blinking as if with the same eagerness to see me and talk to me. but as long as your name stays that dull shade of gray, the internet is the loneliest place in the world, still.